Giving Up

When do you get to the point where you just want to give up and stop trying or where you feel like everything is going wrong and nothing will go right? For every person and every situation it is different. Everything depends on your mind set or your attitude. How I choose to take something means everything. As God followers we are called to be set apart. God has really been working on me with this over the past semester. This past week I have been on Christmas break and God decided to test me out on this. It has been very emotional to say the least. My heart often feels pulled different directions and I have a hard time figuring out what is best. I have learned to balance and I have to learn to please myself a little. Not in a selfish way but, in a way I can live with my choices I can't always please everyone so if I always try, it will be an endless cycle. So I finally made it home on Christmas eve. I was not feeling well but still very blessed to have a wonderful evening with my family. Still fought some personal feelings that night but God was showing me he blessed me with this time so I need to be happy where I am when he places me there. Christmas morning came and I woke up not feeling well, (my period doesn't work on my computer now so know some of these commas should be periods,) I was overcome with emotion, I laid in my empty room and cried, I am not home very often and now that I was finally home I wanted to spend as much time with them as I could, I was not a happy camper about being sick, I tried hard to see the positive, at least I was home where my family could take care of me, I slept Christmas away and woke up the next morning to find out my windshield of my car had been smashed in by someone with a floor lamp post of all things, Once again I am faced with the question "How am I going to handle this?" I could get mad but what good does that do? After calling my insurance and getting everything figured out they were able to come the next day to fix it, So I was trying so hard to see the positive, my insurance covered it, my amazing dad payed the rest, and it was able to be fixed fast! So pretty much the rest of the week has had me going to the dentist (which I hate!) but found out good news there- no cavities! I went to a walk in clinic for my cold and the cough medicine made me really sick, I was upset because I had lots of plans with people that all got messed up, I didn't understand why God would not listen to me, I was praying so hard to get better, My prayers had selfish motives, I went again to the doctor on Thursday and finally got medicine to fix my cold, My doctor also checked my iron which has been giving me trouble lately, The joys of being anemic, I was there for two hours just to return to another doctor that afternoon to have a ultra sound done, I was fighting a bad attitude all day, I kept praying, "God please just help me see the good", I was blessed to have insurance to cover everything and loving parents to take me everywhere, After having to drink more water then I have probably drank all month and almost floating away, I started listening to what was going on around me, The song lyrics "For if my God is with me then who could ever stop me,,,,,,what could stand against," came on the radio in the doctor's office, His peace filled me, As I sat next to my worried mother, I thought about how blessed I am to have a mom who cares, I woke up this morning with a splitting headache and not feeling so hot, Really just wanting this all to be over, I would take my third graders over all of this any day! I left my house at 8am to go to the hospital to get an emg, for those of you who don't know what that is,,,,,,,,it is a nerve test that uses a series of electric shocks and needles in your muscles to make sure everything is running like it should, The overall process took a little over an hour, My body still randomly will twitch from everything, It was not horrible just very uncomfortable, I had good news there that everything was fine, I was fighting the bad thoughts again of really I just got shocked and poked for an hour for nothing, REALLY, Man I hate the doctor, Then once again God filled me up and reminded me that this was good news, We were narrowing down the issue, I am now sitting at home resting and trying to get better, Needless to say it was not exactly what I thought my Christmas break would look like, Nothing went right but yet here I am and I am doing ok, God has a way of reminding us that he is in control and that how we choose to take things affects others, I am so blessed for all those people in my life who encouraged me and kept me positive when I really didn't want to, Still working on feeling better and still learning as I go! ;)