Giving Up

When do you get to the point where you just want to give up and stop trying or where you feel like everything is going wrong and nothing will go right? For every person and every situation it is different. Everything depends on your mind set or your attitude. How I choose to take something means everything. As God followers we are called to be set apart. God has really been working on me with this over the past semester. This past week I have been on Christmas break and God decided to test me out on this. It has been very emotional to say the least. My heart often feels pulled different directions and I have a hard time figuring out what is best. I have learned to balance and I have to learn to please myself a little. Not in a selfish way but, in a way I can live with my choices I can't always please everyone so if I always try, it will be an endless cycle. So I finally made it home on Christmas eve. I was not feeling well but still very blessed to have a wonderful evening with my family. Still fought some personal feelings that night but God was showing me he blessed me with this time so I need to be happy where I am when he places me there. Christmas morning came and I woke up not feeling well, (my period doesn't work on my computer now so know some of these commas should be periods,) I was overcome with emotion, I laid in my empty room and cried, I am not home very often and now that I was finally home I wanted to spend as much time with them as I could, I was not a happy camper about being sick, I tried hard to see the positive, at least I was home where my family could take care of me, I slept Christmas away and woke up the next morning to find out my windshield of my car had been smashed in by someone with a floor lamp post of all things, Once again I am faced with the question "How am I going to handle this?" I could get mad but what good does that do? After calling my insurance and getting everything figured out they were able to come the next day to fix it, So I was trying so hard to see the positive, my insurance covered it, my amazing dad payed the rest, and it was able to be fixed fast! So pretty much the rest of the week has had me going to the dentist (which I hate!) but found out good news there- no cavities! I went to a walk in clinic for my cold and the cough medicine made me really sick, I was upset because I had lots of plans with people that all got messed up, I didn't understand why God would not listen to me, I was praying so hard to get better, My prayers had selfish motives, I went again to the doctor on Thursday and finally got medicine to fix my cold, My doctor also checked my iron which has been giving me trouble lately, The joys of being anemic, I was there for two hours just to return to another doctor that afternoon to have a ultra sound done, I was fighting a bad attitude all day, I kept praying, "God please just help me see the good", I was blessed to have insurance to cover everything and loving parents to take me everywhere, After having to drink more water then I have probably drank all month and almost floating away, I started listening to what was going on around me, The song lyrics "For if my God is with me then who could ever stop me,,,,,,what could stand against," came on the radio in the doctor's office, His peace filled me, As I sat next to my worried mother, I thought about how blessed I am to have a mom who cares, I woke up this morning with a splitting headache and not feeling so hot, Really just wanting this all to be over, I would take my third graders over all of this any day! I left my house at 8am to go to the hospital to get an emg, for those of you who don't know what that is,,,,,,,,it is a nerve test that uses a series of electric shocks and needles in your muscles to make sure everything is running like it should, The overall process took a little over an hour, My body still randomly will twitch from everything, It was not horrible just very uncomfortable, I had good news there that everything was fine, I was fighting the bad thoughts again of really I just got shocked and poked for an hour for nothing, REALLY, Man I hate the doctor, Then once again God filled me up and reminded me that this was good news, We were narrowing down the issue, I am now sitting at home resting and trying to get better, Needless to say it was not exactly what I thought my Christmas break would look like, Nothing went right but yet here I am and I am doing ok, God has a way of reminding us that he is in control and that how we choose to take things affects others, I am so blessed for all those people in my life who encouraged me and kept me positive when I really didn't want to, Still working on feeling better and still learning as I go! ;)

Putting Your Words into Action

So I have been wanting to write several times but, I always seem to find myself doing something else instead. I like to keep journals and look back on them every so often to reflect on life. Yes, sometimes I tend to over think things. I recently read over the last entry I left on here about trust. So now I want to share how it became very clear to me how my God is a very intricate and patient. So back in Feb. God was teaching me how to really trust him. As that time went on (Feb.-Aug.) I got frustrated with my job search and just where I was in life. I felt like I was not doing anything with the time God gave me. I know now that he gave me that time in my life...what I like to call my waiting period....to prepare my heart and mind for what was to come. As many of you know in August I received a third grade teaching job in Greenfield, Missouri. After my interview I had great peace that this was where God wanted me. I was full of mixed emotions but, I felt like God was always telling me to trust him and that he had a plan. I can see now that God was teaching me all about trust because he knew that I would need that. I took a giant leap of faith that day I said yes to the job. I had two weeks to move, find a place to live, and get my classroom set up when I had no clue what I was doing. I definitely see how God worked in the unknown. I was so scarred but even in that scarred feeling I was wrapped in God's peace. I had no clue what God was doing. There was days I cried because the unknown is just so overwhelming. God continued to give me a small whisper in my ear saying you need to trust me. I have a plan. Trusting became way more then words to me. I had to fully rely on him to provide me with everything I needed. I was blessed with loving people in my life who never let me forget that God was in charge. He used them to provide things for me not only to meet my needs but also emotionally. Going to a new city living on my own was a major step for me. I am still not sure I fully understand Gods plan and I think that is ok. I don't think he always wants us to know everything. He reviles things as they are needed. A very frustrating concept for me to figure out. Those of you that know me know that I am a major planner and don't like the unknown. So needless to say I go crazy when I can not be in control and when I just don't know. I have lots of time living on my own to reflect on what God is doing around me and with me. Sometimes the day gets busy and things get doing and you don't really think about what is the purpose in God giving me this day. How did I use it to serve him? This move has really just made my faith stronger. We go through trials in life to train us and make us stronger to serve the Lord. After all that is what it is all about anyway. I have been learning over the past month all about what denying my own pride and selfish ways. I have a tendency to think that I can do everything on my own. I will ask for help if I really really need it but, that tends to be after I make it worse by trying to do it on my own. I read in the book, Weird. There is a chapter that is all about our intentions in life. In life I live for myself having good intentions and that is how I justify things. I start off with a good thought, but there is a difference. Good intentions are really masking my own selfish ambitions. I have been working on how to move from good intentions in life to God intentions for my life. What does he want me to do with every second of my time and things that he has blessed me with. How am I praying for that to happen in my life? I am here to serve him and build His kingdom. What am I doing if I just live for the world and my life? The past oh six months of my life I feel like God has been tearing down walls that I have built up inside of me. Some of them I have been unaware that they even existed. I had good intentions but, you just can't go through life with only good intentions. This weekend I was blessed with the opportunity to go camping and just spend some time with people I am blessed to have in my life and in God's beautiful creation. When I look around and see the work of his hands...the stars that stretch on forever and ever and the beautiful flowers that are each made differently with such magnificent color and detail, how could I be so wrapped up in my own life. Humbling. So now I can see that God is faithful when we trust. He has never left my side even when I tried pushing him away. When I told him I could do it on my own. He was ever so patient with my stubborn attitude. As I continue to learn what it means to live out a life of faith fulling trusting my God, I am learning that control really is not important. That is just my own selfish ambitions that start with good intentions. Titus 1:9, "He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it." I am daily reminded by by my gentle savior that we are fighting a battle where he is victorious. Am I doing my part in the battle to encourage and lift up those around me? Am I using the gifts God gives me and the things he has blessed me with? It is a daily struggle to make my intentions God's and not my own. Ok that was a super long post. I just had all these thoughts bouncing around in my head that I wanted to share what God has placed on my heart. Prayers that I continue to seek God's wisdom on a daily basis on how to invest in his people and use the gifts and seek the purpose he has given me.

Trust is a Must

According to dictionary.com
TRUST is .......
Trust: –noun

1.

reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2.

confident expectation of something; hope.

3.

confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.

4.

a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

5.

the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

6.

the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.

7.

charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someone's trust.

8.

something committed or entrusted to one's care for use or safekeeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility; charge.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

What does it look like to to fully trust what God has in store for us. A question I feel like many people ask. Most people I know what to trust God, and they say that they do, but what does that look like?
Lot's of transitions are happening in my life right now. I don't even know what I am doing on a day to day basis. Trust is taking on new terms. God is teaching me what it means to full lean on him. He is the only one who can meet what my heart wants and needs. Today I am praying that God continues to reveal himself to me and teach me how to trust him. When you take that jump of faith outside your comfort zone into the unknown you are never disappointed. The safest place in the world is in the middle of God's will. I have so many thoughts going around in my head about what will happen in my future. Today I hold on to: God gave me today. He has a plan for my life each day. How am I choosing to use those minutes and days?
Just waiting around, applying for jobs for the Fall and trusting in God's plan for me. I am inching my way to the edge and getting ready to take the jump when God says it's time. Go!